salad days

I can't picture living my life three more times over but isn't that what I'm supposed to hope for? Can't I just learn my life moral now or must it wait until my deathbed for the Things I Wish I'd Done When I Still Had the Chance thoughts? Will I make sure to keep them from young loved ones so they won't feel as doomed? No one ever says anything dooming on their deathbed. It's all hope and optimism and graciousness, but after "Live life for the fullest!" there must be a murmur of "because I didn't and you won't either", mustn't there?

I like asking people what near death experiences are like and they tell me the colors you see how your body shakes in excitement how water feels in your lungs and what it sometimes sounds like in your ears (like telephones, I've been told). Oscar Wilde said "I am not young enough to know everything" when he was twice my age so perhaps I should be writing down all I know now because maybe maybe this is the age when I secretly know everything and it would be nice to know how to live.





Also, I had a dream the other night that my apartment was blue so the next day I painted the walls and ceiling how I'd seen. God: please send more clear dreams like that on What To Do, and fewer dreams about octopuses and tree houses because I cannot use those in real life very well.